We are currently in discussion mode for our next cycle for No. 2. But I don't really want to talk about the complications or logistics surrounding that nightmare. I want to talk about today.
Today is day 30 in my cycle. My cycle has been 25 - 27 days for the past four months. It's unusual to be this late. I have been charting my temperature for the past 5 days, trying to predict when my period will arrive. So now I've set the scene. I'm in the midst of the crazy Two Week Wait (TWW).
I should really say it's been a crazy two and a half weeks. I was positive I was experiencing pregnancy symptoms at least 2 days past ovulation. Frequent urination and gagging from the smell of a public toilet. There's two symptoms: tick! Two days later, my itchy boob made me wonder a bit, but teamed with the uncomfortably full, cramping feeling in my uterus, I had to add a couple more notches to my pregnancy belt.
I felt breathless. Picking something up from the floor made my heart race and my breathing become rapid. I was inexplicably exhausted. It was all adding up.
And then I rode the Merry-Go-Round, an actual Merry-Go-Round. I straddled the carousel horse with my 16-month old son, and as the horse started to move up and down, I felt that familiar feeling in the top of my stomach. Motion Sickness. My number one pregnancy peeve.
These pregnancy symptoms went on for a week. I just felt off. I've taken three pregnancy tests in the last week. I've had three negative results.
Today I used the last test in the box. And that last result broke me.
My head told me that it was crazy. It didn't make sense for me to fall pregnant. I had been violently ill during my last cycle, which made my period very light and it lasted for 5 days. I was stressed. And there was the glaringly obvious...it's never happened (naturally) to me before.
But my heart told me, what if it HAS happened? It's still possible. It's happened for others. Every time I looked at my son, I felt a yearning for another one. I wanted more of him. I was filled with so much hope.
But that last result just broke me. And I felt that horrible, familiar feeling of failure again. That vicious cycle, repeating itself month after month. It's a cruel ride we put ourselves through. I just want off it.
So now, I'm just building myself back up. My period still hasn't arrived yet. But when it does, I hope I'm ready for the next ride.
