The 3 Fs

Family, Friends and Festivities. 

I'd had 2 weeks annual leave booked for months in advance and I was really looking forward to catching up with all my family and friends back home. I was flying home for my brother's wedding, and as it was so close to Christmas I extended my stay. But the 3 Fs proved to be a little bit too much for me this year, and it resulted in me bursting into tears on Christmas Eve, hiding in my room and packing my bags. Some people aren't that shocked when they hear that, as Family Melodramas are the norm in their households...but not mine. This was a very unusual occasion. I guess I was a bit overtired and suffering the Pre-Menstrual Shits. That's also quite unusual for me, as my normal cycle doesn't usually throw me around like that. The thing is, when things like that happen, a little bell goes off in the back of my mind and I think "That's not normal! Could I be pregnant?" But then a bigger bell gongs at the front of my mind and says "Uh, no! Of course you're not! You would KNOW if you were!"

Meh! If I'm not this month, it will happen another month. I'm not even sure if I would know if I was pregnant. I can imagine myself being one of those urban myths, where I eat a bad hot dog and go to the toilet with gastro and come out 5 kgs lighter and a crying baby in my arms....hhmm, if only it was that easy...

Happy New Year!

During my travels home, I visited a friend who foretold my fortunes with runes and a crystal pendant on a chain. This was all completely new to me, but I've always been open to the concept of finding answers from divine force (other than religion).

So, my friend cast her runes and asked if I would fall pregnant in 2012. She picked out 3 runes which explained my past, present and future. My past showed there were too many people offering conflicting advice, which made it hard for me to make clear decisions. I needed to let go of events that were out of my control, but there would be an element of luck involved! There would be an unplanned event and a big change in the future. I can't remember exactly what it said, but it mentioned changes in fertility. Well it was pretty spot on talking about the past, so it was making me quite optimistic.

Then we asked the runes if I would fall pregnant within the next 6 months, and it indicated that big changes were happening (which is true, as we were moving back to the Eastern states). There will be changes in the family with the arrival of a new child. And there would be  new responsibilities for me, with a question of a new career (that got me interested as well, as I've currently been questioning what my next step in career will be) My message for the future was to "Grab the Bull by the Horns!"

Note to self. Keep an eye out for any fortuitous Bull Horns that may come my way.

She also asked her crystal if I would have a baby. The crystal hung from a chain held between her thumb and forefinger of her left hand and it sat in the open palm of her right hand. She asked the question and slowly lifted it out of her palm. It settled itself and became quite still...and then it just started swinging around in circles. If it swings in a certain direction, it meant yes...and it said yes! And yes, we tested it by asking different questions, but it would always say yes to that question. There was no tricking the crystal!

It made me feel quite optimistic for the new year. I'm not sure how it will happen, but I'm confident it will. It was VERY hard for me not to have control over my situation at all, but I think I am learning to let go a little bit.

Here's to a positive new year!

Polite Conversation

So I went out for lunch with the girls on the weekend. B has just recently announced that she is pregnant and T has just had her second baby. B is really excited about it. And as it was the first time we had seen her since she announced it - she obviously had a lot to say. But T happily joined in talking about ultra sounds and the first trimester etc etc...GAH!

I got a small glimpse of the future and wondered how many more lunch date conversations will I be left out of? It's a fairly common topic amongst the women folk, as my husband would say. I guess it will pass as I get older and the women who are having babies will be fewer.

I don't know, it's a difficult thing to avoid when you're surrounded by it.

The Follow Up

Well my appointment with my doctor went as well as can be expected. It was Melbourne Cup Day. I had heels on and a flower in my hair, I was feeling pretty positive.

He sat across from me and studied my file very carefully, flicking questions to me absent-mindedly. He kind of muttered to himself that he had no idea why my cycle behaved like that on Femara. No answers at all. Then he put the folder away and just said, "What are we going to do with you?" That made me laugh. That is indeed the million dollar question.

And then he said,"The only option left is IVF."

And suddenly, there it was. It was kind of a relief in a way. Now I was actually forced to confront it, it didn't seem as intimidating as I had made it out to be. I was actually a little excited at the possibilities.

Time will tell.

Feeling Sorry for Myself

Yesterday I burnt a whole bunch of photos from the past 4 years for a few of my friends. As I was looking over them, I couldn't help but notice how much younger I looked then. My skin was healthier. I was close to 10kg lighter. I had lovely long, shiny hair. And it looked like I smiled a lot.

Ever since I went off the pill, my skin has just been a nightmare. Now I'm battling with eczema AND acne. I also noticed it was harder to keep the weight off - which is exactly opposite to what normally happens! I guess age is partly responsible...and the odd late night dessert run to Woolies.

How depressing to notice the affects of time.

Reality hits you hard, bro!

The other day, I found out a good friend was pregnant. I was stunned! Speechless. I didn't know what to think, but then lurking the back of mind was that massive neon sign that told me I had been unsuccessful for three years now. It was like someone had filled a bucket with cold, hard reality and thrown it right into my face.

In my mind I was happy for her. How couldn't I be? It was something she really wanted and I think she deserves it. But my heart wasn't really in it. I couldn't get over the fact that in the same three years I had been trying to conceive, she had met someone new, moved to Canada to be with him, married him and was now having his baby. A good three years for her, but what a waste of three years for me.

So many questions revolving around why it hasn't happened for me. Haven't I done all the right things? And if not, then what was I doing wrong? Why does it happen so easily for other people? Do I have it in me to keep trying?

My resolve is starting to wear very thin.

Continued side effects

I managed to get an appointment to see my dermatologist last Friday afternoon. That was great news. However, I ended up sitting in the waiting room for an hour before he saw me...not so great. When I finally got to see the receptionist, she kindly looked into it for me. I could hear her conversation from the waiting room, but particularly noticed his response "Oops".

I was seeing red at this stage. This is exactly what happened to me last time I was there 2 years ago. But luckily, last time I ended up seeing another doctor, Dr. Chang. And he was superb!

Dr. Chua saw me after his next patient. The consulation went as normal. He prescribed me an antibiotic and a gel for my post-adolescent acne invasion. I paid on my way out. My blood pressure returns to normal.

Sunday. I go to take in my prescription where the chemist tells me the gel he prescribed me will cause fetal defects. Fetal defects! I could not believe the incompetency of that man! I told him I went off the pill! Thankfully, the Chemist kindly offered to sort it out with the doctor for me. Blood pressure receding...

Monday. I get a phone call from the chemist. He tells me that Dr. Chua told me about the side effects. Really? As a woman trying to conceive, I think I would remember if he mentioned something about fetal side effects. If he had said something, I think I would have had something to say about that.

Grr!! He's so incompetent!! And I have to see him again in December...shudder. Why? Why! Why! He is the fly in my ointment!!!...or fetal killing gel as the case may be.

Unlucky No.4...

Well, today should have been a prescribed turkey basting, but yesterday I went for my blood test and the nurse rang me back with some unexpected results. My estrogen levels had actually dropped instead of increasing, which is not what should be happening if you're on Femara. So they cancelled this cycle.

Weird.

Now I have to call back on Monday and book another appointment with my doctor. I guess the stars haven't aligned for me this month after all.

Who to tell?

I was talking with a colleague the other day about having babies. When I have these conversations with people I always have that question in the back of my mind "do I want to tell them?" Then that question leads to:"How are they going to react?", "Am I going to cry?" and "Who are they going to tell?"

On this particular occasion, I was riding the emotional tight rope, so I didn't think I could have a decent discussion with her without the need of some tissues. She is the type of person whose eyebrows would immediately drop down sympathetically at the sides and apologise unnecessarily, and I need to have a strong game face on for that. I didn't mind her knowing, it's just that I know I wouldn't have been able to contain myself and I didn't feel like embarrassing myself again that day.

But there are definitely people I choose to avoid. Those people carry a ridiculous level of expectation and have their own agenda behind that question "so, when do you think you're going to have babies?" There is the over-eager friend, who tries to push the wonders of motherhood on to anyone of child-bearing age. I even had one tell me "You should have one soon, you're not getting any younger." And I was the same age as her. There is the family member who is looking for another cousin/playmate for their own kids. And there is the grandparent, eagerly awaiting the next grandchild - even though they already have 5 or 6.

You see, the thing is, if I told them my situation, I anticipate their reaction to be something like this:
THEM: "Oh no...have you been to the doctor?"
(No, I took a survey in a magazine and they told me I couldn't have babies)
ME: "Yes"
THEM: "What did they say?"
ME: "We're perfectly healthy."
THEM: "Have you tried this?"
ME: "No."
THEM: "Have you tried that?"
ME: "No."
THEM: "Don't worry. It will happen."
(Of course it will! Because you know so much more about my body than myself or my doctor. How ridiculous of me to have worried for nothing... No, it's NOT going to happen just because you said so! But thanks anyway for your useless input.)
ME: "Yeah, we'll see."

Sigh...sometimes it's just better that some people don't know.

Lucky No. 4?

Femara, also similar to Clomiphene

Well, we've started our fourth IUI.

This will be my second chemically assisted turkey basting. I take 2 Femara tablets each day from day 2 to day 6. I've been a bit scatter brained, so I forgot on day 2, but we'll see how we go. Last month I got really bad headaches while I was taking them, but they haven't been too bad this time. I've just been on this emotional tight rope instead! I was ready to tip either way on day 4. Poor hubby. Poor dogs. I called one of my dogs a shithead for jumping to greet me that morning. What kind of mother talks like that to her fur-babies? That behavior is so unlike me.

Other things in our life have really turned around for us this week, so we're both feeling very positive and optimistic. Hopefully that will help with a positive outcome for us at the end of this month.

Cross fingers!

Untold Side Effects

You hear scary things about the side effects of drugs during IVF. Kicking your hormones into overdrive wouldn't sound appealing to the worst of people. But no one told me about the side effects of going off the pill.

Not long after I stopped taking the pill, my work pants had become uncomfortably tight. The only way that 5c coin could come out of my pocket was if I removed the pants first. I had to start wearing bigger shirts to cover the overspill around the waist band. I hadn't really heard of girls putting ON weight after they had gone off the pill...but there you go. Hubby suggested it was just my age catching up to me. I suggested he start running before my fist caught up to him.

But perhaps the worst thing was waking up to find a teenager's face looking back at me in the mirror. No, not beautiful and youthful...it looked like Dominos had opened a pizza shop on my face. It's unbelievable how my face just exploded with acne. It actually looks worse now than when I was a teenager...how did that happen? It wasn't bad at first, but it got gradually worse. I tried the amazing ProActiv and - to it's credit - it did a pretty good job for just over a year. But my eczema started to play up, so I had to give the PA a bit of a break. And then my face exploded. It was like pimple would burst from another pimple, until tiny, inflamed himalayan bumps developed around my mouth, nose and forehead. Every time I visited the bathroom, one or two new ones would have popped up. It is so embarrassing to be a 30-something year old woman with a pizza face. And I can't wear too much make up because of my eczema...Grrrrr! So frustrating!!

Off to the doctors again - the Dermatologist this time! PLEASE have a miracle ready and waiting for me! Pump me full of drugs if you have to - just give me my old face back!

Round 2 begins

So, as I mentioned previously, we had decided to go back to Concept Fertility Centre, due to the dismal result I received with my attempts with naturopathy. At the time, I was hitting rock bottom.

I just could not get my head around the idea that we were both medically fit and healthy, and "there was no reason why we couldn't conceive." I sometimes wished that the doctor hadn't actually told us that. Sometimes it felt as though it would have been easier to deal with if I actually HAD a reason/cause that prevented me from having babies. At least that way, I could attack the situation and deal with it and get some bloody RESULTS!

But I digress, it was actually a phone call to my dad that helped get me back on track again. He was the one that suggested it could be a mental thing that was holding us back. This made a lot of sense to me. Physically we were fighting fit...but mentally? Perhaps I needed a bit of a work in that area.

So I did! I worked on refocusing my energy and changing my outlook. I really worked on viewing the possibility of IVF as resulting in a baby...and not a $20,000 debt. It changed me. Because that had always been my secret fear, not being able to cope with the financial stress and the repeated failures. Now, I have to focus on working towards a positive end result.

Like the doctor said, "there's no reason why you can't."

Back to the fertility drawing board

So, around August I decided it was probably time to go back to Concept to see what the doctor says. A quick trip to the GP for a new referral and couple of check up blood tests later, we find ourselves back where we left off.

An IUI was scheduled and it was all done and dusted last weekend. I'm always a bit apprehensive beforehand where Hubby's involvement is concerned, as he's not the biggest fan of medical, fiddly bits. But he was pretty supportive with very little resistance, so that put me at ease a little. He comes in during the turkey basting procedure and reads a magazine or watches me squirm uncomfortably on the table. Yeah, it seemed a little weird at first, but I'm glad he's there while I have to lay there for 20 minutes afterwards because it helps me keep my game face on.

We both enjoyed a fantastic breakfast at the cafe down the road afterwards, and that helped to lift the mood a little. And the weekend carried on...


And now the wait...I don't normally go in for the pregnancy blood test, I just wait it out to see if nature takes it's course. But I might do it this time. It will save me the expectant wait which peaks around Day 27. Oh! Those last days suck so bad!

Hitting another pot hole

The other night I went to visit my naturopath to restock on my herbals and vitamins. Now, my naturopath is a lovely lady who has the gift of the gab. Her only trouble is knowing when to stop sharing that gift with others. I found that I would only answer her with one word because I was afraid any more would incite more conversation.

When I first started seeing her I found she was always so positive, and she really helped turn me around when I started to slip into my little cloud of despair. She had a lot of confidence about my situation and told me stories of her other clients that she had helped to fall pregnant. But on this occasion, it was just a bit too much for me.

She told me about a woman who had ovarian cysts and one month after taking her herbals, she fell pregnant! She then discovered that her cysts had miraculously vanished during a following check up. She was over the moon. She felt she could pass her good fortune on to a friend of hers who had just suffered a stillbirth at 36 weeks. She gave her friend the rest of her herbals, which resulted in her falling pregnant a few months after that.

I really did not know what to say when she was finished. I think I just nodded dumbly, because God knows I didn’t want her to keep talking. But honestly, what sort of a reaction could anyone expect of me? Of course I wish these women the best of luck, but their stories had no personal meaning for me whatsoever.

Instead, all I could hear was that these two women – who had genuine, diagnosed health issues – were falling pregnant in less than 3 months of miracle herbs and I wasn’t. FIVE MONTHS I’ve been doing this!! Hubby tells me that my naturopath was sharing this story so I could see that she has successfully helped infertile women fall pregnant before and she could do the same for me. Sorry, no! It had the opposite effect. If two women with obvious health problems are getting pregnant and I’m not – obviously this means that there’s something more seriously wrong with me and no one knows what it is. Which only lands me back in square one, not knowing where to go and what to try next.

Everything always leads back to the same question: If I’m perfectly healthy, why can’t I fall pregnant?

The road so far…

Let me paint you a very quick picture.

It has been 2 years and 6 months since I went off my contraceptive pill. After about 12 months of regular periods, one pathetic false alarm, no pregnancy and a LOT of “trying” – I decided to visit the family doctor. He recommended we see a fertility specialist. For the next 3 months we both underwent numerous tests and passed each one with flying colours. Of course that just meant there was no reason why I couldn’t fall pregnant.  This non-result did not fill me with the greatest confidence. The next step was an IUI. After 2 failed procedures, I thought we should try other avenues. A friend recommended I try naturopathy, and 6 months later you find me here, writing this blog, instead of falling pregnant.

That’s our story in a nutshell. It doesn’t seem that extraordinary when it’s summed up like that, but there is a lot to read between the lines.