We got to meet you today. For the first time. I was excited. Exhausted, a little anxious, but still excited.
You were scheduled to be transferred back into my uterus as an embryo at 12.45pm. Your dad and I took the day off work so we could meet you together.
You were waiting for us at a new centre with a new specialist. You'd travelled a long way from the other side of the country to meet us here. But this centre is nice. And the specialist is lovely. I like her.
We got to see you as an embryo on the screen. The embryologist pointed at the little dark shadow and said it was you. It looked like bubbles were breaking out the side. She said that was the embryo looking for something to stick to.
Seeing you on screen was like seeing you make your grand entrance, walking down the stairs in slow motion, elegantly dressed and looking beautiful. I actually gasped. There you were! And I was the lucky mum to pick you up and continue your journey.
The specialist placed you smack bang in the middle of my uterus and she showed us where you were on the ultrasound screen. "See that little star?" She pointed at a bright spot. "That is the embryo."
Well, star became spark, and spark became AllSpark. So thanks to your dad, you've now been named after "the spark of every Transformer who has ever lived, or ever will live". We've bonded with you already. Obviously ;)
If you decide to not stick around...I will be...I'm not quite sure. For now, I'm excited and happy that you've moved in. I hope you do stick around, Little One. Because I'm really looking forward to seeing you again.
Love Mum x
Wednesday 17 August 2016
Saturday 17 January 2015
Ding! Ding! Ding! Round TWO!
Round two. You would have thought that the hard yakka from round one would have prepared me, but no! No it does not. Why? Because we've moved away from family who can help with childcare while I have my many appointments. Because we left all the specialists that I'm familiar with and have had to find new ones to trust. Because we left perfectly good embryos behind, just waiting to be implanted in the oven. Because IVF in Perth would have been a much better financial option. Because I left the security of a great job with a boss who was understanding of my predicament. Because we kept our house in Perth as an "investment property" which has now become an unplanned financial burden. And because now we are essentially back to one wage with less means for saving. And juggling all of this with a toddler is a lot harder than you would think.
This round has been so hard because I know what I have to do, but we just can't get the money together to do it. And it has just been delay after delay after delay. Every time I'm close to saving enough, something always comes up and we're back to square one.
It all came to a head over a recent heated discussion over our finances. It became apparent that we'd never be able to afford to do IVF. It really hit me hard to say those words and admit defeat. I was sobbing heavily, you know, the kind where your whole body shakes and you can't breathe. But after a few hours, there was something still clicking over in the back of my mind. "Maybe we could see a specialist and ask if an IUI could work? That would be cheaper. Or maybe we could fly back to Perth? I'm sure it would be a cheaper option in the end. Or..."
And that's when I realised my true strength. I couldn't even admit my own defeat. My own brain wouldn't let me. This is the one new years resolution I was going to see through with. It's not the first little challenge I've ever come across, but it's the first one where I could see my emotional muscles working with a relentless determination. I've given myself a goal for this year. I'm not going to let myself down.
This round has been so hard because I know what I have to do, but we just can't get the money together to do it. And it has just been delay after delay after delay. Every time I'm close to saving enough, something always comes up and we're back to square one.
It all came to a head over a recent heated discussion over our finances. It became apparent that we'd never be able to afford to do IVF. It really hit me hard to say those words and admit defeat. I was sobbing heavily, you know, the kind where your whole body shakes and you can't breathe. But after a few hours, there was something still clicking over in the back of my mind. "Maybe we could see a specialist and ask if an IUI could work? That would be cheaper. Or maybe we could fly back to Perth? I'm sure it would be a cheaper option in the end. Or..."
And that's when I realised my true strength. I couldn't even admit my own defeat. My own brain wouldn't let me. This is the one new years resolution I was going to see through with. It's not the first little challenge I've ever come across, but it's the first one where I could see my emotional muscles working with a relentless determination. I've given myself a goal for this year. I'm not going to let myself down.
Sunday 23 March 2014
And the Merry-Go-Round goes round and round...
We are currently in discussion mode for our next cycle for No. 2. But I don't really want to talk about the complications or logistics surrounding that nightmare. I want to talk about today.
Today is day 30 in my cycle. My cycle has been 25 - 27 days for the past four months. It's unusual to be this late. I have been charting my temperature for the past 5 days, trying to predict when my period will arrive. So now I've set the scene. I'm in the midst of the crazy Two Week Wait (TWW).
I should really say it's been a crazy two and a half weeks. I was positive I was experiencing pregnancy symptoms at least 2 days past ovulation. Frequent urination and gagging from the smell of a public toilet. There's two symptoms: tick! Two days later, my itchy boob made me wonder a bit, but teamed with the uncomfortably full, cramping feeling in my uterus, I had to add a couple more notches to my pregnancy belt.
I felt breathless. Picking something up from the floor made my heart race and my breathing become rapid. I was inexplicably exhausted. It was all adding up.
And then I rode the Merry-Go-Round, an actual Merry-Go-Round. I straddled the carousel horse with my 16-month old son, and as the horse started to move up and down, I felt that familiar feeling in the top of my stomach. Motion Sickness. My number one pregnancy peeve.
These pregnancy symptoms went on for a week. I just felt off. I've taken three pregnancy tests in the last week. I've had three negative results.
Today I used the last test in the box. And that last result broke me.
My head told me that it was crazy. It didn't make sense for me to fall pregnant. I had been violently ill during my last cycle, which made my period very light and it lasted for 5 days. I was stressed. And there was the glaringly obvious...it's never happened (naturally) to me before.
But my heart told me, what if it HAS happened? It's still possible. It's happened for others. Every time I looked at my son, I felt a yearning for another one. I wanted more of him. I was filled with so much hope.
But that last result just broke me. And I felt that horrible, familiar feeling of failure again. That vicious cycle, repeating itself month after month. It's a cruel ride we put ourselves through. I just want off it.
So now, I'm just building myself back up. My period still hasn't arrived yet. But when it does, I hope I'm ready for the next ride.
Today is day 30 in my cycle. My cycle has been 25 - 27 days for the past four months. It's unusual to be this late. I have been charting my temperature for the past 5 days, trying to predict when my period will arrive. So now I've set the scene. I'm in the midst of the crazy Two Week Wait (TWW).
I should really say it's been a crazy two and a half weeks. I was positive I was experiencing pregnancy symptoms at least 2 days past ovulation. Frequent urination and gagging from the smell of a public toilet. There's two symptoms: tick! Two days later, my itchy boob made me wonder a bit, but teamed with the uncomfortably full, cramping feeling in my uterus, I had to add a couple more notches to my pregnancy belt.
I felt breathless. Picking something up from the floor made my heart race and my breathing become rapid. I was inexplicably exhausted. It was all adding up.
And then I rode the Merry-Go-Round, an actual Merry-Go-Round. I straddled the carousel horse with my 16-month old son, and as the horse started to move up and down, I felt that familiar feeling in the top of my stomach. Motion Sickness. My number one pregnancy peeve.
These pregnancy symptoms went on for a week. I just felt off. I've taken three pregnancy tests in the last week. I've had three negative results.
Today I used the last test in the box. And that last result broke me.
My head told me that it was crazy. It didn't make sense for me to fall pregnant. I had been violently ill during my last cycle, which made my period very light and it lasted for 5 days. I was stressed. And there was the glaringly obvious...it's never happened (naturally) to me before.
But my heart told me, what if it HAS happened? It's still possible. It's happened for others. Every time I looked at my son, I felt a yearning for another one. I wanted more of him. I was filled with so much hope.
But that last result just broke me. And I felt that horrible, familiar feeling of failure again. That vicious cycle, repeating itself month after month. It's a cruel ride we put ourselves through. I just want off it.
So now, I'm just building myself back up. My period still hasn't arrived yet. But when it does, I hope I'm ready for the next ride.
Monday 25 November 2013
Happy Birthday Junior C
Dear Junior C,
How exciting! You're a year old already!! We have already started thinking about trying for a little brother or sister (crossing fingers) for you...but that's another story.
This is about you. And the amazing year we've had so far. We celebrated that year with two parties! One party was with your family in Perth, and one party was in Canberra with your baby friends. You are a very lucky little boy.
You have changed so unbelievably much. You're really growing into a little person. You are very happy and easy going, even though your daddy says you're very serious. People are always commenting on how cute you are and how they want to steal your gorgeous, long eyelashes.
You're a well travelled baby. You've been to Perth twice, Tonga once, the Central Coast and Sydney numerous times. You are loving your swimming lessons, but you still can't blow bubbles in the water yet. We go to mothers group every Thursday. You love going for walks in your pram. And we love taking you in the pram because you fall asleep. Last weekend we took you for a ride in your bike trailer and you fell asleep on the way to the shops and the way back.
You take after me with your very healthy appetite, which makes me so proud! But you take after your daddy in the sleeping category, and you STILL haven't slept through the night yet. But I've resigned to the fact that this is my lot in life. To cater to your needs during the day AND the night. Unfortunately, you have been cursed with mummy's eczema riddled skin and you have terrible rashes behind your knees, elbows and wrists as well as on your collar bone. And it looks like it's spreading. I'm so sorry, my baby!! I hope you grow out of it like the doctor said!
You have 8 teeth that I can see. You can't walk yet, but you are crawling around everywhere! You can pull yourself up and stand while holding on to something. You can wave good bye. You say Mum-mum and Da-da. You and daddy love to wrestle on the ground. "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke was your absolute favourite song. It would always make you smile and dance every time without fail. We know this because we tested it during one of your tantrums. But now we've discovered a new wonder song, "Roar" by Katy Perry. Only this song has a more hypnotising effect on you. You are definitely a little groover.
You are an amazing little kid. I am so proud of you and I feel so lucky to be your Mum.
Love you,
Mum-Mum
How exciting! You're a year old already!! We have already started thinking about trying for a little brother or sister (crossing fingers) for you...but that's another story.
This is about you. And the amazing year we've had so far. We celebrated that year with two parties! One party was with your family in Perth, and one party was in Canberra with your baby friends. You are a very lucky little boy.
You have changed so unbelievably much. You're really growing into a little person. You are very happy and easy going, even though your daddy says you're very serious. People are always commenting on how cute you are and how they want to steal your gorgeous, long eyelashes.
You take after me with your very healthy appetite, which makes me so proud! But you take after your daddy in the sleeping category, and you STILL haven't slept through the night yet. But I've resigned to the fact that this is my lot in life. To cater to your needs during the day AND the night. Unfortunately, you have been cursed with mummy's eczema riddled skin and you have terrible rashes behind your knees, elbows and wrists as well as on your collar bone. And it looks like it's spreading. I'm so sorry, my baby!! I hope you grow out of it like the doctor said!
You have 8 teeth that I can see. You can't walk yet, but you are crawling around everywhere! You can pull yourself up and stand while holding on to something. You can wave good bye. You say Mum-mum and Da-da. You and daddy love to wrestle on the ground. "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke was your absolute favourite song. It would always make you smile and dance every time without fail. We know this because we tested it during one of your tantrums. But now we've discovered a new wonder song, "Roar" by Katy Perry. Only this song has a more hypnotising effect on you. You are definitely a little groover.
You are an amazing little kid. I am so proud of you and I feel so lucky to be your Mum.
Love you,
Mum-Mum
Friday 22 November 2013
Little Band-Aid Solutions
I have a friend who has an autistic son. It has been a real trial for her as he has limited function. Perhaps her greatest struggle is with people's "good intentions".
Many times she has recieved comments that are both insensitive and ignorant. One person once told her that Autism is the result of vaccinations. How nice to hear that someone thinks you deliberately had your son injected with a vaccination riddled with autism. And then to live in regret, wondering, "if only I hadn't gotten my son vaccinated!" Well that would have fixed everything now, wouldn't it? Not only does it offer constructive help for her situation, it also leaves her feeling so much more positive about it. Not.
This is probably one of our strongest bonds between my friend and I. We had both been on the receiving of these well intentioned criticisms. Only I had to suffer in silence and nod dumbly in agreement. "OK! Let's just throw out a joke I've prepared earlier and deflect this whole conversation away from the grating truth!!"
My mother-in-law had innocently made a remark about a friend of hers who was struggling with IVF. She unwittingly made some comments that she would not have said if she had known about the struggle her son and I had in conceiving her grandchild. As her friend's husband worked away a lot, she remarked how the lack of sex wasn't helping. This really grated against my nerve, as we all know that you could be having sex 5 times every week and you still won't fall pregnant unless you do it in that small window of opportunity. And even then! It's not going to fix cysts on someone's ovaries. Or increase someone's sperm count. Or regulate someone's menstrual cycle. The sex isn't the problem. It never was. And the frequency of it has little to do with it either.
Unfortunately, it's easy for other people to apply a simple little band aid to fix the gaping wound of a problem they don't understand. Sigh.
Many times she has recieved comments that are both insensitive and ignorant. One person once told her that Autism is the result of vaccinations. How nice to hear that someone thinks you deliberately had your son injected with a vaccination riddled with autism. And then to live in regret, wondering, "if only I hadn't gotten my son vaccinated!" Well that would have fixed everything now, wouldn't it? Not only does it offer constructive help for her situation, it also leaves her feeling so much more positive about it. Not.
This is probably one of our strongest bonds between my friend and I. We had both been on the receiving of these well intentioned criticisms. Only I had to suffer in silence and nod dumbly in agreement. "OK! Let's just throw out a joke I've prepared earlier and deflect this whole conversation away from the grating truth!!"
My mother-in-law had innocently made a remark about a friend of hers who was struggling with IVF. She unwittingly made some comments that she would not have said if she had known about the struggle her son and I had in conceiving her grandchild. As her friend's husband worked away a lot, she remarked how the lack of sex wasn't helping. This really grated against my nerve, as we all know that you could be having sex 5 times every week and you still won't fall pregnant unless you do it in that small window of opportunity. And even then! It's not going to fix cysts on someone's ovaries. Or increase someone's sperm count. Or regulate someone's menstrual cycle. The sex isn't the problem. It never was. And the frequency of it has little to do with it either.
Unfortunately, it's easy for other people to apply a simple little band aid to fix the gaping wound of a problem they don't understand. Sigh.
Saturday 23 February 2013
My labour story: The gory details
Dear Junior C,
Well Little One, this is the story of how you came into this world. I was stressed to the max, waiting in anticipation for your arrival. I was worried that your Nana would totally miss out on seeing you, and she would fly back to New Zealand "empty handed".
It was one day past your due date, and I went to bed early as it was exhausting carrying you around all day. I woke around 2am. As I shifted you in my belly to my other side, I felt a little trickle. I rushed to the toilet and confirmed that my waters had broken. But I was still a little unsure if I was in labour because there was no "show" yet. So I went back to bed and could feel contractions straight away. They weren't too bad, they were only 10 minutes apart. I must have laid there in bed for 2 hours, counting my contractions. The bloody show made it's appearance around 4.30am.
At 5am, I got up and waddled around the living room. I decided to call the hospital and get their advice. I spoke to the nurse while I bounced on the exercise ball. She told me to get ready and come into the hospital so they could check me and my progress. There was no rush. So I pottered around the house, getting my bags ready (and more importantly - my snacks!)
Daddy was still faaaast asleeep.
Daddy woke up around 6am and he laid in bed playing on his mobile (as usual).
I said to him, "Get up Lazy!"
He yawned and said, "Whhyyy?"
"'Cause we're going to the hospital."
"What for?"
"Um...to have a baby!"
"Oh! NOW?!"
"Yes. But please, have a shower first."
We got to the hospital around 8am and we were shown to the labour ward. It was a nice big room, with my own bathroom. The mid wife checked me, and confirmed that I was indeed in labour. I was 3cm dilated. How exciting!
I got to strip down (yet again) and get into my sexy hospital gown. We were there in time for morning tea, so I got to enjoy some cake and a cup of tea. Daddy was timing my contractions using an app that I had downloaded the week before. But not much was happening, so we were moved down to my post natal ward to wait until my labour had progressed a bit more. Daddy and I watched some terrible daytime TV. We were laughing and making jokes. The nurse told us I was enjoying myself too much, so I must still be in the early stages. She said, "Call me when you stop laughing!"
We were there for a while and it got quite boring...until around 1pm. Things were getting a bit more intense. Contractions were coming every 5 minutes. And there were getting stronger and lasting longer. By 3pm, I was straddled over the top of the bed. I wanted to see my nurse. I wasn't laughing anymore. I was hyperventilating. My whole lower body was tingling and I could barely feel my legs. She gave me some oxygen. She checked me again and said I was 6cm dilated. I was progressing well. She asked if I wanted any drugs for the pain. But I declined because she told me labour would probably only take another 4 hours max. I thought, "Sure! I can handle that!"
Well...I lasted an hour. I asked for drugs. I opted for pethidine. She injected it into my shoulder and I was off with the fairies! It felt like I was floating outside of my body. I could feel the contractions coming, but I would "pass out" half way through and forget to breathe. Daddy had to hold me and walk me around the room because I couldn't hold myself up. I couldn't even sit up in bed!
I couldn't remember the next hour very well. But around 6pm, the nurse came back in to check my cervix. I hadn't dilated in 3 hours. I was still only 6cm. My labour had stalled, contractions were slowing down. And you were getting very distressed because you couldn't get out. Daddy was watching your heart rate on the monitor and it shot through the roof at every contraction.
The nurses left the room and contacted my obstetrician. The doctor came into the room around 7.30pm. He told us that because labour had stalled, he didn't know how much longer labour would take. I could have been there for another 8 hours! And even then, you may not have made any more progress. Also, due to the shape of my pelvis, your little head was just not going to fit. "It was like trying to fit a round peg, through a square hole." And besides, my body was giving up. You were getting very distressed. It was time for you to come out.
So we signed the forms for an emergency cesarean. I was wheeled off to theatre. Daddy was made to wait outside while they put the spinal block in. It took them a good 20 minutes because the anesthetist couldn't find the right spot...(mummy has a crooked spine). It was incredibly challenging trying to arch my back like a hissing cat when I had a big beach ball belly in my way!
I was laid flat on the table. A curtain was put up over my chest and daddy was called in. He stood next me, by my shoulders. I couldn't feel anything below my waist because of the spinal block. But I could feel the doctor tugging and rummaging around. He asked me to give one push (which made me giggle because I couldn't feel it). He told daddy to get his camera ready, and then he lifted you out and held you up for daddy to see. You were born at 9.34pm.
I heard you cry, but I didn't get to see you straight away. Daddy went with the nurse to weigh you and cut your umbilical cord. Then they brought you back and I got to see your swollen little face. Daddy took you back to my room and I had to spend another 45 minutes in recovery before I could see you again.
When I got to my room, daddy put you in my arms. You were so tiny! Which is funny because you felt really big inside my belly!!
And there you go. You were a healthy baby boy, who loved to sleep and eat. You're 3 months now, and I've already forgotten how bad the gory details were. Lucky you've made up for it by now!
Well Little One, this is the story of how you came into this world. I was stressed to the max, waiting in anticipation for your arrival. I was worried that your Nana would totally miss out on seeing you, and she would fly back to New Zealand "empty handed".
It was one day past your due date, and I went to bed early as it was exhausting carrying you around all day. I woke around 2am. As I shifted you in my belly to my other side, I felt a little trickle. I rushed to the toilet and confirmed that my waters had broken. But I was still a little unsure if I was in labour because there was no "show" yet. So I went back to bed and could feel contractions straight away. They weren't too bad, they were only 10 minutes apart. I must have laid there in bed for 2 hours, counting my contractions. The bloody show made it's appearance around 4.30am.
At 5am, I got up and waddled around the living room. I decided to call the hospital and get their advice. I spoke to the nurse while I bounced on the exercise ball. She told me to get ready and come into the hospital so they could check me and my progress. There was no rush. So I pottered around the house, getting my bags ready (and more importantly - my snacks!)
Daddy was still faaaast asleeep.
Daddy woke up around 6am and he laid in bed playing on his mobile (as usual).
I said to him, "Get up Lazy!"
He yawned and said, "Whhyyy?"
"'Cause we're going to the hospital."
"What for?"
"Um...to have a baby!"
"Oh! NOW?!"
"Yes. But please, have a shower first."
We got to the hospital around 8am and we were shown to the labour ward. It was a nice big room, with my own bathroom. The mid wife checked me, and confirmed that I was indeed in labour. I was 3cm dilated. How exciting!
I got to strip down (yet again) and get into my sexy hospital gown. We were there in time for morning tea, so I got to enjoy some cake and a cup of tea. Daddy was timing my contractions using an app that I had downloaded the week before. But not much was happening, so we were moved down to my post natal ward to wait until my labour had progressed a bit more. Daddy and I watched some terrible daytime TV. We were laughing and making jokes. The nurse told us I was enjoying myself too much, so I must still be in the early stages. She said, "Call me when you stop laughing!"
We were there for a while and it got quite boring...until around 1pm. Things were getting a bit more intense. Contractions were coming every 5 minutes. And there were getting stronger and lasting longer. By 3pm, I was straddled over the top of the bed. I wanted to see my nurse. I wasn't laughing anymore. I was hyperventilating. My whole lower body was tingling and I could barely feel my legs. She gave me some oxygen. She checked me again and said I was 6cm dilated. I was progressing well. She asked if I wanted any drugs for the pain. But I declined because she told me labour would probably only take another 4 hours max. I thought, "Sure! I can handle that!"
Well...I lasted an hour. I asked for drugs. I opted for pethidine. She injected it into my shoulder and I was off with the fairies! It felt like I was floating outside of my body. I could feel the contractions coming, but I would "pass out" half way through and forget to breathe. Daddy had to hold me and walk me around the room because I couldn't hold myself up. I couldn't even sit up in bed!
I couldn't remember the next hour very well. But around 6pm, the nurse came back in to check my cervix. I hadn't dilated in 3 hours. I was still only 6cm. My labour had stalled, contractions were slowing down. And you were getting very distressed because you couldn't get out. Daddy was watching your heart rate on the monitor and it shot through the roof at every contraction.
The nurses left the room and contacted my obstetrician. The doctor came into the room around 7.30pm. He told us that because labour had stalled, he didn't know how much longer labour would take. I could have been there for another 8 hours! And even then, you may not have made any more progress. Also, due to the shape of my pelvis, your little head was just not going to fit. "It was like trying to fit a round peg, through a square hole." And besides, my body was giving up. You were getting very distressed. It was time for you to come out.
So we signed the forms for an emergency cesarean. I was wheeled off to theatre. Daddy was made to wait outside while they put the spinal block in. It took them a good 20 minutes because the anesthetist couldn't find the right spot...(mummy has a crooked spine). It was incredibly challenging trying to arch my back like a hissing cat when I had a big beach ball belly in my way!
I was laid flat on the table. A curtain was put up over my chest and daddy was called in. He stood next me, by my shoulders. I couldn't feel anything below my waist because of the spinal block. But I could feel the doctor tugging and rummaging around. He asked me to give one push (which made me giggle because I couldn't feel it). He told daddy to get his camera ready, and then he lifted you out and held you up for daddy to see. You were born at 9.34pm.
I heard you cry, but I didn't get to see you straight away. Daddy went with the nurse to weigh you and cut your umbilical cord. Then they brought you back and I got to see your swollen little face. Daddy took you back to my room and I had to spend another 45 minutes in recovery before I could see you again.
When I got to my room, daddy put you in my arms. You were so tiny! Which is funny because you felt really big inside my belly!!
And there you go. You were a healthy baby boy, who loved to sleep and eat. You're 3 months now, and I've already forgotten how bad the gory details were. Lucky you've made up for it by now!
Happy Transfer Anniversary!
A special post today. One year ago, little Jnr C was transferred back inside after his little jaunt in the petrie dish. The embryologist described him as "beautiful". And we got to see him as a beautiful embryo on the screen before he was transferred back in. How strange! Not many people can claim to have seen their children as embryos!
I remember feeling so...uncertain, excited, overwhelmed...yet, giggly all the same. Stress does that to me. But, I remember it being a good day (despite some uncomfortable awkwardness). I had a lot of laughs. I remember seeing my doctor as I was leaving the clinic, and joking with him, "Yep, I feel pregnant already!"
I had no idea what was in store for me. And to my past self I say, "High five! Well done!!"
Definitely no regrets!!
I remember feeling so...uncertain, excited, overwhelmed...yet, giggly all the same. Stress does that to me. But, I remember it being a good day (despite some uncomfortable awkwardness). I had a lot of laughs. I remember seeing my doctor as I was leaving the clinic, and joking with him, "Yep, I feel pregnant already!"
I had no idea what was in store for me. And to my past self I say, "High five! Well done!!"
Definitely no regrets!!
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