Dear AllSpark

We got to meet you today. For the first time. I was excited. Exhausted, a little anxious, but still excited. 

You were scheduled to be transferred back into my uterus as an embryo at 12.45pm.  Your dad and I took the day off work so we could meet you together. 

You were waiting for us at a new centre with a new specialist. You'd travelled a long way from the other side of the country to meet us here. But this centre is nice. And the specialist is lovely. I like her. 

We got to see you as an embryo on the screen. The embryologist pointed at the little dark shadow and said it was you. It looked like bubbles were breaking out the side. She said that was the embryo looking for something to stick to. 

Seeing you on screen was like seeing you make your grand entrance, walking down the stairs in slow motion, elegantly dressed and looking beautiful. I actually gasped. There you were! And I was the lucky mum to pick you up and continue your journey. 

The specialist placed you smack bang in the middle of my uterus and she showed us where you were on the ultrasound screen. "See that little star?" She pointed at a bright spot. "That is the embryo."

Well, star became spark, and spark became AllSpark. So thanks to your dad, you've now been named after "the spark of every Transformer who has ever lived, or ever will live". We've bonded with you already. Obviously ;)

If you decide to not stick around...I will be...I'm not quite sure. For now, I'm excited and happy that you've moved in. I hope you do stick around, Little One. Because I'm really looking forward to seeing you again. 

Love Mum x

Ding! Ding! Ding! Round TWO!

Round two. You would have thought that the hard yakka from round one would have prepared me, but no! No it does not. Why? Because we've moved away from family who can help with childcare while I have my many appointments. Because we left all the specialists that I'm familiar with and have had to find new ones to trust. Because we left perfectly good embryos behind, just waiting to be implanted in the oven. Because IVF in Perth would have been a much better financial option. Because I left the security of a great job with a boss who was understanding of my predicament. Because we kept our house in Perth as an "investment property" which has now become an unplanned financial burden. And because now we are essentially back to one wage with less means for saving. And juggling all of this with a toddler is a lot harder than you would think.

This round has been so hard because I know what I have to do, but we just can't get the money together to do it. And it has just been delay after delay after delay. Every time I'm close to saving enough, something always comes up and we're back to square one.

It all came to a head over a recent heated discussion over our finances. It became apparent that we'd never be able to afford to do IVF. It really hit me hard to say those words and admit defeat. I was sobbing heavily, you know, the kind where your whole body shakes and you can't breathe. But after a few hours, there was something still clicking over in the back of my mind. "Maybe we could see a specialist and ask if an IUI could work? That would be cheaper. Or maybe we could fly back to Perth? I'm sure it would be a cheaper option in the end. Or..."

And that's when I realised my true strength. I couldn't even admit my own defeat. My own brain wouldn't let me. This is the one new years resolution I was going to see through with. It's not the first little challenge I've ever come across, but it's the first one where I could see my emotional muscles working with a relentless determination. I've given myself a goal for this year. I'm not going to let myself down.

And the Merry-Go-Round goes round and round...

We are currently in discussion mode for our next cycle for No. 2. But I don't really want to talk about the complications or logistics surrounding that nightmare. I want to talk about today.

Today is day 30 in my cycle. My cycle has been 25 - 27 days for the past four months.  It's unusual to be this late. I have been charting my temperature for the past 5 days, trying to predict when my period will arrive. So now I've set the scene. I'm in the midst of the crazy Two Week Wait (TWW).

I should really say it's been a crazy two and a half weeks. I was positive I was experiencing pregnancy symptoms at least 2 days past ovulation. Frequent urination and gagging from the smell of a public toilet. There's two symptoms: tick! Two days later, my itchy boob made me wonder a bit, but teamed with the uncomfortably full, cramping feeling in my uterus, I had to add a couple more notches to my pregnancy belt.

I felt breathless. Picking something up from the floor made my heart race and my breathing become rapid. I was inexplicably exhausted. It was all adding up.

And then I rode the Merry-Go-Round, an actual Merry-Go-Round. I straddled the carousel horse with my 16-month old son, and as the horse started to move up and down, I felt that familiar feeling in the top of my stomach. Motion Sickness. My number one pregnancy peeve.

These pregnancy symptoms went on for a week. I just felt off. I've taken three pregnancy tests in the last week. I've had three negative results.

Today I used the last test in the box. And that last result broke me.

My head told me that it was crazy. It didn't make sense for me to fall pregnant. I had been violently ill during my last cycle, which made my period very light and it lasted for 5 days. I was stressed. And there was the glaringly obvious...it's never happened (naturally) to me before.

But my heart told me, what if it HAS happened? It's still possible. It's happened for others. Every time I looked at my son, I felt a yearning for another one. I wanted more of him. I was filled with so much hope.

But that last result just broke me. And I felt that horrible, familiar feeling of failure again. That vicious cycle, repeating itself month after month. It's a cruel ride we put ourselves through. I just want off it.

So now, I'm just building myself back up. My period still hasn't arrived yet. But when it does, I hope I'm ready for the next ride.

Happy Birthday Junior C

Dear Junior C,

How exciting! You're a year old already!! We have already started thinking about trying for a little brother or sister (crossing fingers) for you...but that's another story.

This is about you. And the amazing year we've had so far. We celebrated that year with two parties! One party was with your family in Perth, and one party was in Canberra with your baby friends. You are a very lucky little boy.

You have changed so unbelievably much. You're really growing into a little person. You are very happy and easy going, even though your daddy says you're very serious. People are always commenting on how cute you are and how they want to steal your gorgeous, long eyelashes.

You're a well travelled baby. You've been to Perth twice, Tonga once, the Central Coast and Sydney numerous times. You are loving your swimming lessons, but you still can't blow bubbles in the water yet. We go to mothers group every Thursday. You love going for walks in your pram. And we love taking you in the pram because you fall asleep.  Last weekend we took you for a ride in your bike trailer and you fell asleep on the way to the shops and the way back.

You take after me with your very healthy appetite, which makes me so proud! But you take after your daddy in the sleeping category, and you STILL haven't slept through the night yet. But I've resigned to the fact that this is my lot in life. To cater to your needs during the day AND the night. Unfortunately, you have been cursed with mummy's eczema riddled skin and you have terrible rashes behind your knees, elbows and wrists as well as on your collar bone. And it looks like it's spreading. I'm so sorry, my baby!! I hope you grow out of it like the doctor said!

You have 8 teeth that I can see. You can't walk yet, but you are crawling around everywhere! You can pull yourself up and stand while holding on to something. You can wave good bye. You say Mum-mum and Da-da. You and daddy love to wrestle on the ground. "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke was your absolute favourite song. It would always make you smile and dance every time without fail. We know this because we tested it during one of your tantrums. But now we've discovered a new wonder song, "Roar" by Katy Perry. Only this song has a more hypnotising effect on you. You are definitely a little groover.

You are an amazing little kid. I am so proud of you and I feel so lucky to be your Mum.

Love you,
Mum-Mum

This time last year...

It's 10pm and I'm heading off to bed. I quickly duck into the nursery to check on Jnr C, and he lays there perfectly still, quietly breathing. He hasn't moved since I put him in his cot at 7.30pm. He has the most perfect, angelic face when he's asleep...sigh.

I can't believe how lucky I am. I know that I'm approaching the anniversary of when we got the positive test result, so I think back to where we were this time a year ago. It's hard to believe how much can change in a year.

This time last year:

• We had just started our first IVF cycle.
• I had been pumping Synarel up my nose for 10 days.
• We were enjoying the beautiful, sunny beaches of Perth.
• We were living in our own home.
• I had a great, full time job that I loved.
• And I was facing a whole new chapter of uncertainty, which I was totally scared, yet cautiously optimistic about. Let's face it - I was crapping myself.

And here we are. Living in a rented house in Canberra, 2 hours away from the closest beach. Enjoying a new full time role as a mum, which I'm growing to love more and more. And looking at the sweet face of my little boy. 

I would like to take my past self aside and tell her, "You will overcome your nervous diahorrea issue. This will be one of the best decisions you have ever made and, as always, you will follow it through with determination and surprising ease."

So much can change in a year.

Welcome to motherhood

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I may have been teetering on the precipice for a while, but I am happy to report that I am now the mother of a beautiful, healthy baby boy - Jnr C. After what seemed like an agonising last few weeks, Jnr C came into this world via emergency C-Section.

I was expecting a natural labour, so was not prepared for the cesarean at all. Labour started to get more intense 6 or 7 hours after I arrived at the hospital. In fact I was in hospital for a total of 14 hours before Jnr C made his appearance. Once the decision had been made to go into theatre, everything happened really quickly. I was laid on the table after they inserted the spinal block and a curtain was put up above my chest so I couldn't see the doctors rummaging around in the basement. My husband was called in and 10 minutes later the sharp cries of little Jnr C pierced the air.

It was the most surreal moment. All the years of trying. All the months of incubating. All the hours of labour. And it was over in 10 minutes. I had a son. I was a mum.

They held this greyish, wrinkly, wriggly little stranger above my face and I looked into his swollen little eyes. And no, I wasn't overwhelmed with a flood of emotion or instant love. I was stunned. I felt so removed from the whole process. My memory of his birth will always be looking at a kaleidoscope of lights above me and a blue curtain. Even when my husband showed me pictures of the doctor holding Jnr C above my opened "handbag," I still couldn't identify with what I was looking at. I was so detached from that moment, it was like I was looking at the pictures of the birth of someone else's baby. I missed out on seeing him come from my body. At least my husband got to see it, take him over to get weighed AND cut his umbilical cord.

And Jnr C remained a stranger to me for a while afterwards. It was still hard for me to grasp the enormity of finally reaching the goal I had worked towards for so many years. Just like my pregnancy, I kept waiting for someone to rip the rug from right under my feet. I would also look at his little sleeping face and feel immense responsibility for this little man. I was somebody's mother and he needed me. It scared me.

The days passed, my confidence grew. I slowly recovered. My energy slowly returned. Now he looks into my eyes and I realise, I am his mother and he needs me. And with that one look, he makes me melt. I am in love. I want to make everything better for him. I want to make him smile everyday. I never want him to stop looking at me like that. How many times can I kiss that kid? Not enough.

Jnr C will be 10 weeks tomorrow. Those weeks have gone by so fast and I can't wait for the next 10.

Choosing the all important pram

A few years ago, we were given a pram, which I'm not convinced is very useful to me. So I'm beginning the intimidating task of researching prams. There are so many brands with so many features, but more importantly, they're so expensive! So, it's not a decision I want to make lightly.

Here are some suggestions to help you with your pram choice.

Get some practical advice.

Talk to your friends or family who have recently had babies and ask them what they found useful and the purchases they regret. They are always helpful with advice for buying prams and what to look for in a pram.

Now, what next?
Start doing some research on the internet. Check out forums and product reviews. Try this website, it has a little selection guide where you can select the features that you're looking for in a pram. It then shows you the results with a table of features and the prices.

Also, check out pram tips, it helps you define what you need in a pram which then helps you decide on which features are most important to you and which features you don't need.

Prams can range from budget ($200 - $400), mid range ($600-$800) or razzle dazzle ( >$1000). One piece of advice I've taken on is, don't be fooled by the brand or price tag. Just because it looks fancy doesn't mean it has the features you need, and you may be paying more for features you don't want.

Once you've kind of worked out what you need in a pram, go into a store and ask the sales assistant to show you prams that meet your requirements and what features you think you need most. She'll give you invaluable advice and comparisons that websites can't really offer, like wheel traction and demonstrating how to collapse and open the frames. Simple things like that can make your decision in a snap.


How do I work this out?
OK, so I went to Baby Bunting yesterday, and the sales assistant was absolutely brilliant. Make sure you ask the assistant to demonstrate how to use the features, like swapping bassinets and seats, how to use the brakes, collapsing and opening the pram.

She gave me a lot to think about, so I've been researching pram brands all night. I created my own comparison table and used a grading system. I was able to determine which features were most important, which changed dramatically from what I initially wanted.

1. Budget - less than $800
2. Lightweight - less than 10kg, easy to lift in and out of car. Look for aluminium frames, not steel.
3. Suitable from birth
4. Reversible Seat - important for when bubs is very young.
5. Travel system compatible - Just clip the capsule from car to pram, not waking sleeping baby.
6. All terrain - to be used for walks around the neighbourhood and shopping centres
7. Compact when folded, small enough for shopping centres.

I'm ready to buy, now what?
Don't forget that you could be lucky enough to find a second hand pram on eBay or gumtree. I've found a couple of prams (good brands) that were only 3-6 months old, but they were a bit too far to pick up. If the price is really good, it may be worth organising a courier to pick it up for you.

Otherwise, find a good baby store like Baby Bunting and take advantage of their lay-by system, which is a massive bonus as you don't have to pay upfront like on the internet.

Will keep you posted on the pram purchase...

20 weeks - It's a Boy!

20 week scan - little baby boy.

So we've had our 20 week scan and discovered the flavour of the baby is Blueberry!!

In a way, it's not really a surprise because both my husband and I come from families with lots of boys. I'm the only girl in a family of 3 boys. So, I had suspected that there would be a little boy sprout in there. However, my husband had convinced me that we could be having a girl. He had no real reason why, but he's had a good track record of predicting the sex of all his nephews and niece...so I was leaning towards a little girl. He had also already named her. As our surname begins with F, he wanted to name her Ivy...which, when you say her name with the initial, it says I-vy F (IVF). I thought it was funny at the time, but I actually grew accustomed to it. I even started picturing little Ivy and all the cute dresses I would be buying her.

But alas, 'tis a little boy for us. And we're happy.

Fetal movements
Earlier that morning of the ultrasound, I felt the baby partying around 4am. It was the first time hubby had felt him move. He couldn't believe how active he was and how strong the movements were. I had felt regular movement for a few days before that, but it was always hard to explain or for him to catch them. So little Blueberry kept partying until I fell back asleep around 5am.

The ultrasound
So, we went to get the ultrasound. I didn't have to have a full bladder, in fact they said for it not to be full, I just had to be well hydrated.  I wore my stretchy maternity pants and a button up shirt for easy ultrasound access.  The goop was spread over my belly, and we discovered that the little bean was tired from all the partying he'd done that morning and was sleeping in a ball facing down. This meant it was hard to see his face, so the nurse(?) kept poking and prodding my belly trying to get him to turn around. Nope. Not budging. I had to lie on my side. Still nothing. I coughed. Still nothing. Then she asked me to get up, hold my shirt up and shake my belly around to get him to move...stubborn little blighter, I think he curled into an even tighter ball! So stubborn!!

We didn't get the 4D (I'm not sure what the 4th dimension is) scan. It wasn't offered, they only do it if there's a diagnostic cause, like if there were physical deformities they needed to check. Our other option was to go to another non-medical company and pay $250 for 4D pictures, but as we can't claim that back on Medicare we decided to give it a miss. As it was, the ultrasound cost $250, but we at least got at least $100 back from Medicare, so it's not that bad.

13 weeks

13weeks 4days - no more jelly bean!

Well I got my appointment with my OB this week. They were really great to fit me in on such short notice. My OB seemed really friendly and informative and the nurse was great too! I had a whole list of questions to ask them, but of course they just went straight out the window when I got there. Thankfully, they pretty much answered everything I was wondering about anyway.

So onto the scan. This one was done on the belly (no internal scan, thank goodness!) I was worried that I hadn't drunk enough water and if I could go to the toilet beforehand, but turns out it wasn't an issue at all. Once the doctor put the scanning thingo on my belly,  I could actually recognise features of a little baby.  It wasn't a jelly bean anymore. We could see the face, arms and legs and a little round belly. And  I cannot describe how amazing it is to our little one moving around in there. It just didn't want to keep still at all, it was twisting and tumbling around! But the doctor was able to get a few good shots. It's hard to believe that all of that is going on inside, and I can't feel any of it at all.

You can also get the baby checked for their risk of developing Down Syndrome. The Nuchal Fold Test measures a fluid sac on the back of the neck for any chromosomal abnormality. While the doctor was able to measure it, he said that because the scan was left a bit late, the test wouldn't be as accurate.  He told us that the baby was within the safe range (less than 300? - not sure what that meant). We could have gone ahead for further testing, but he didn't see any reason for it. So we were happy with that.

The appointment went well. Baby was 79mm, which was the expected length at that time. The doctor explained a few of the horrors of childbirth and the expected procedures. He prefers to go with a natural childbirth, unless certain complications prevented it. He also said that because this was an IVF pregnancy, he would prefer to only let me go 1 week past the due date. This was because for some unknown reason, IVF pregnancies seem to present unexpected labour complications. OK, that's fair enough.

So, we were happy overall. Baby is coming along nicely. Phew! 27(ish) weeks to go.

Blood test No.2

Results came back and they were really positive. My pregnancy hormone is around 4000, which means the levels have doubled regularly like it's supposed to. And my progesterone level is 700, but the nurse said it was all good.

I'm due for my next follow up blood test next weekend, and then I'll be ready for my first scan the following week.

I rang my parents today to tell them they would have two grand babies in November this year. They were both so pleased, they nearly made me cry. They had actually thought of us when my brother announced their pregnancy. So yes, they were really happy. Now I'm going to bed to read Harry Potter to my embryo (that's Mum's suggestion).

Cousins and Friends

I received the most amazing news today. My little brother and his wife, newly married, will be expecting a baby...the same time as us. His wife is 6 weeks and I'm 5 weeks.

All of a sudden, it's real. I could visualise our kids playing together. I imagined that we both had little boys and they would become the best of friends. They would be ridiculously close in age. It's something I'd always wanted but didn't think I'd have, as my brothers and I have large age gaps between us.

My older brother and I are 4 years apart. He had his first son when I was only 18 and having children didn't quite fit in with my life plans at that stage. My younger brother is 8 years younger than me, and I never expected that we would be having kids at the same time, but there you go. My youngest brother is 15 years younger than me (he's still at school) and I'm sure I will be physically unable to have kids by the time he starts.

I have already fallen in love with this idea. I really, really want this now. This has snapped me out of denial, and I've finally admitted to myself that I'm pregnant. I haven't let myself accept this pregnancy for a number of reasons. I know there is the risk of losing it, and some say the risk is higher with IVF. This had made me a little anxious and over cautious. I find that I always need to remind myself that so many women have already had beautiful children from IVF as well. But again, I will feel safer after 12 weeks.

But the main reason for my self denial is that I'm afraid to let my guard down. I don't want to bottom out on the next speed bump that comes our way. The last few years have been such a struggle for us that I've come to believe that good things just don't happen to us at all. Now all these amazing things are starting to happen for us and I feel as though this is all too good to be true. I just keep waiting for something bad to happen. But it's not. It won't. We're moving back east. I'm pregnant. My brother is expecting a baby at the same time. I think it's meant to be! I'm just over the moon that I'll actually be on the same side of the country to share it all with him.

Now, Little One, I am so excited for you to meet your new cousin. I think you two will be great friends, whether you're boys or girls. Your Nana and Koro (Grandfather) will be so pleased. Two more mokos (Grandkids) to be spending Christmas with this year!