Round two. You would have thought that the hard yakka from round one would have prepared me, but no! No it does not. Why? Because we've moved away from family who can help with childcare while I have my many appointments. Because we left all the specialists that I'm familiar with and have had to find new ones to trust. Because we left perfectly good embryos behind, just waiting to be implanted in the oven. Because IVF in Perth would have been a much better financial option. Because I left the security of a great job with a boss who was understanding of my predicament. Because we kept our house in Perth as an "investment property" which has now become an unplanned financial burden. And because now we are essentially back to one wage with less means for saving. And juggling all of this with a toddler is a lot harder than you would think.
This round has been so hard because I know what I have to do, but we just can't get the money together to do it. And it has just been delay after delay after delay. Every time I'm close to saving enough, something always comes up and we're back to square one.
It all came to a head over a recent heated discussion over our finances. It became apparent that we'd never be able to afford to do IVF. It really hit me hard to say those words and admit defeat. I was sobbing heavily, you know, the kind where your whole body shakes and you can't breathe. But after a few hours, there was something still clicking over in the back of my mind. "Maybe we could see a specialist and ask if an IUI could work? That would be cheaper. Or maybe we could fly back to Perth? I'm sure it would be a cheaper option in the end. Or..."
And that's when I realised my true strength. I couldn't even admit my own defeat. My own brain wouldn't let me. This is the one new years resolution I was going to see through with. It's not the first little challenge I've ever come across, but it's the first one where I could see my emotional muscles working with a relentless determination. I've given myself a goal for this year. I'm not going to let myself down.
