Day 12 - Emotional relapse

I've been in for my blood test and the nurse has just rung with my results. I was tested for my progesterone levels and pregnancy. She told me that I wasn't pregnant and my progesterone levels are still high, so I should expect my period to arrive by the end of the week.

Grr! I'm already on day 33!! This is ridiculous!!


I started to feel so stupid. I had actually let myself think that my period hadn't come yet because I might have been pregnant. What...a...FOOL! Then I started to doubt how my body was reacting to the chemicals. I wasn't feeling noticeably bad side effects, however, the same thing happened when I was on Femara. I felt OK at the time and then that IUI cycle was cancelled because my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to do. The doctor couldn't explain it! What if that was happening again?

And then I thought, these drugs aren't going to work. This IVF cycle isn't going to work. I better get used to hearing the same thing from the nurse every time she calls me with results, because I was looking down a long history of failures. You're not pregnant. FAIL. We'll have to cancel this cycle. FAIL. But it will still cost you $$$$. FAIL. You're welcome to try again next month....FAIL!!

How long will I have to keep on trying? And failing? Wasting money? Wasting time? Losing hope...

I'm not going to lie. It spiraled out of control for me. I shut out my husband for 2 days. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to him. I had convinced myself that he didn't love me. He didn't care about me. It was emotionally and physically draining. I had to forcibly drag myself around the office at work the next day.

But I got better. Time to myself helped. And working really helped shift my focus away from my issues too.

Well? Is it PMS or drugs?

I still don't know if it was PMS or drugs. But I would have to say that the drugs just amplified the stress. All these niggling little issues just worked their way up to the surface, and like weeds, they just fed on the drugs that I was spraying up my nose. These issues are nothing new, they're things that I've kept in the dark recesses of my mind. All of sudden, they just break free, get out of control and send me into the foetal position.

But one thing I do want to say is, regardless of whether it is PMS or drugs, those issues are still real. Those are real fears that I have, and drugs do not make them any less valid. It really pisses me off when people just disregard your little "hissy-fits" by saying "that's just the drugs talking." No, I'm doing the talking, the drugs are just making me louder...

…I mean, haven't they ever been drunk before?

My first IVF Cycle begins

I'm currently on Day 10 in my IVF cycle.

I've been taking Synarel since my meeting with the Nurse Coordinator on 20 January. I spray Synarel once in each nostril in the morning and at night for 7 days. It goes down the back of my throat and doesn't leave the most pleasant taste. Then two days ago (Day 8), I cut my sprays back to one spray in the morning and night. You can find out more info about Synarel here.

Moodiness

I did feel quite moody the other weekend, just after I started taking Synarel. I was hyper sensitive, I just felt really glum and I had to force myself to function that day. And I know it was the most pathetic things that set me off. But it lead me to start worrying about the whole IVF process. "Will it be successful?" "How are we going to afford it?" So many questions. When my husband got home from work, he came to give me a hug because I obviously looked so gloomy, and I nearly burst into tears. But then the next day I was right as rain.

PMS or Chemical Side Effects?

The other night I was laying on my bed clutching my abdomen, crying "Ow! My ovary hurts!" I also noticed this morning, I had a few little sharp twinges in the same spot. Hhhmm...not sure what that meant. Then I realised, of course, it means I'm about to have my period. I was thinking so much about chemical side effects, I'd forgotten about PMS. Then I thought, was I just super sensitive because of PMS or drugs? I dunno.

Now, my menstrual cycle is normally 30 days, and I'm approaching Day 31. I'm usually pretty regular, but Synarel has probably delayed my period. As I'm on Day 10 in my IVF cycle and my period still hasn't come, I expect I will have to go in for some blood tests. And then my next round of drugs should be starting soon.

Tomorrow I'll be contacting the nurse to find out what bloods I need to do and what my next step will be. I'm excited, but nervous at the same time.

Synarel

Synarel Nasal Spray

So, I've been using Synarel since I started my IVF Cycle. Synarel is commonly prescribed for use for IVF programmes. It assists in decreasing the amount of oestrogen produced by the ovaries. This  means they can control your normal cycle and prepare it for subsequent stimulation of the ovaries to produce eggs. I think my acupuncturist explains it best, "It suppresses your natural hormones that want to release those eggs. It holds those eggs in there so they can be harvested later."

It is also used to treat endometriosis, as it thins the lining of the uterus wall.

Using the drug has been pretty easy. From Day 1 to Day 7, it's just one spray up each nostril in the morning and night. Then from Day 8, I reduce it back to one spray in one nostril in the morning and night. Then my period should be due around Day 10 or Day 11, which means I would start on my next round of drugs?

I was told to expect menopausal symptoms but thankfully, I haven't really suffered from any of the described side effects. I've listed some of those side effects below.

• Hot flushes - I have been so sweaty lately, but it's hard to tell if it's the heat or the drugs. I've been told that you can tell because you still feel hot in a cold room...so, nope, not a problem.
• Change in sex drive - Hhmmm...no?
• Vaginal dryness - Que?
• Headaches - You may experience estrogen-senstvive migraines or epilepsy. But thankfully, not for me!
• Mood changes - Happy one day, stabby the next. Sure, that's normal isn't it?
• Depression - Eh! I've had a few bummer days, but that could be PMS.
• Acne - As you know I'm being treated for acne, but I'm still getting more than usual at the moment. It's still manageable though!
• Muscle pains - Yes! Sometimes my legs feel a bit achy and sore. Muscles are a bit more tense as well.
• Decreased breast size - I don't think I've noticed anything...
• Irritation inside the nose - Nope
• Pain and/or swelling of the joints - Not really
• Change in weight - I wish I could lose weight!
• Insomnia - Sleeping like a baby, snoring like a lumber jack.
  
• Tingling feeling of the skin - Nope.
• Increased hairiness - Nope, that's what a razor's for! LOL
• Hair loss - Nope.
• Blood pressure change (high or low) - Nope.

So far so good! I've remembered to take the spray everyday. I haven't experienced any strange symptoms. I'm just waiting on the next step in the cycle.

Starting IVF

Today was my first appointment with the nurse coordinator at Concept Fertility Centre. I'm starting IVF. It's kind of exciting, but Oh-My-God it's daunting. The whole appointment went for an hour. She talked about cycles, hormones, procedures and drugs...and I got to leave with my "show bag" of drugs and permission forms.

I must have looked a little overwhelmed as all the information just washed straight over the top of my head, because the nurse had a little giggle at my blank cross-eyed stares.

So anyway, she described the procedures and what happens during egg collection and when they replace the egg (transfer it back inside). She explained all the different drugs I have to use: the nasal spray, the pills and the injections. She even had a demo pen that I could practice injecting myself with. And she briefly went through the cost (that sends a little shiver down your spine).

They normally start a cycle on day 21. As I'm already on day 22, I could be starting it today! I'm just waiting on my test result to see if my progesterone levels indicate if I've already ovulated. If I have ovulated, I can start spraying up my nose and get this cycle underway.