This time last year...

It's 10pm and I'm heading off to bed. I quickly duck into the nursery to check on Jnr C, and he lays there perfectly still, quietly breathing. He hasn't moved since I put him in his cot at 7.30pm. He has the most perfect, angelic face when he's asleep...sigh.

I can't believe how lucky I am. I know that I'm approaching the anniversary of when we got the positive test result, so I think back to where we were this time a year ago. It's hard to believe how much can change in a year.

This time last year:

• We had just started our first IVF cycle.
• I had been pumping Synarel up my nose for 10 days.
• We were enjoying the beautiful, sunny beaches of Perth.
• We were living in our own home.
• I had a great, full time job that I loved.
• And I was facing a whole new chapter of uncertainty, which I was totally scared, yet cautiously optimistic about. Let's face it - I was crapping myself.

And here we are. Living in a rented house in Canberra, 2 hours away from the closest beach. Enjoying a new full time role as a mum, which I'm growing to love more and more. And looking at the sweet face of my little boy. 

I would like to take my past self aside and tell her, "You will overcome your nervous diahorrea issue. This will be one of the best decisions you have ever made and, as always, you will follow it through with determination and surprising ease."

So much can change in a year.

Welcome to motherhood

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I may have been teetering on the precipice for a while, but I am happy to report that I am now the mother of a beautiful, healthy baby boy - Jnr C. After what seemed like an agonising last few weeks, Jnr C came into this world via emergency C-Section.

I was expecting a natural labour, so was not prepared for the cesarean at all. Labour started to get more intense 6 or 7 hours after I arrived at the hospital. In fact I was in hospital for a total of 14 hours before Jnr C made his appearance. Once the decision had been made to go into theatre, everything happened really quickly. I was laid on the table after they inserted the spinal block and a curtain was put up above my chest so I couldn't see the doctors rummaging around in the basement. My husband was called in and 10 minutes later the sharp cries of little Jnr C pierced the air.

It was the most surreal moment. All the years of trying. All the months of incubating. All the hours of labour. And it was over in 10 minutes. I had a son. I was a mum.

They held this greyish, wrinkly, wriggly little stranger above my face and I looked into his swollen little eyes. And no, I wasn't overwhelmed with a flood of emotion or instant love. I was stunned. I felt so removed from the whole process. My memory of his birth will always be looking at a kaleidoscope of lights above me and a blue curtain. Even when my husband showed me pictures of the doctor holding Jnr C above my opened "handbag," I still couldn't identify with what I was looking at. I was so detached from that moment, it was like I was looking at the pictures of the birth of someone else's baby. I missed out on seeing him come from my body. At least my husband got to see it, take him over to get weighed AND cut his umbilical cord.

And Jnr C remained a stranger to me for a while afterwards. It was still hard for me to grasp the enormity of finally reaching the goal I had worked towards for so many years. Just like my pregnancy, I kept waiting for someone to rip the rug from right under my feet. I would also look at his little sleeping face and feel immense responsibility for this little man. I was somebody's mother and he needed me. It scared me.

The days passed, my confidence grew. I slowly recovered. My energy slowly returned. Now he looks into my eyes and I realise, I am his mother and he needs me. And with that one look, he makes me melt. I am in love. I want to make everything better for him. I want to make him smile everyday. I never want him to stop looking at me like that. How many times can I kiss that kid? Not enough.

Jnr C will be 10 weeks tomorrow. Those weeks have gone by so fast and I can't wait for the next 10.

Frustrations in the Final Days: Part II

I'm now 40 weeks + 1 day. I am absolutely shattered because I only got 3 hrs sleep last night. My anxiety levels hit the roof and I just couldn't get comfortable....aargh! It's amazing how the hours just tick away and before you know it, it's the morning.

So I decided to refocus the day on relaxing. I think this will be the key to inducing labour and ending these frustrating last days. I sat in a bath with lavender bath salts and a face mask. It did wonders for decreasing those anxiety levels.

I tried to get a nap on the couch, but I think all the chocolate I ate prevented any zzzz's from happening.

I've also started to eat pineapple, which apparently helps to soften the cervix. Unfortunately I think you're supposed to eat about 7 a day for it to have any affect, but I'll start with half a pineapple for today.

So, day 1 in labour induction attempts? A relaxing, warm bath and pineapple.

Now, just cross my fingers before I go to bed.


*A SILLY UPDATE*
All my efforts did end up working that day as my waters broke that night and I went into labour!!

Frustrations in the Final Days: Part I

My husband has been home for 3 days now. He is officially on leave. Yeah, I was happy at first, but now I'm not so sure.

I hate making things about me (birthdays excluded), but I really feel that he should be spending these last days with me. It will be last time its just the two of us. I had envisioned us going out for breakfasts or going for walks. Instead I find myself competing with his mobile phone and some online game he plays.

To be honest, his obsession with his game gives me the shits. It's the first thing he does when he wakes up. It's the last thing he does when he goes to sleep. If I ask him to do something he will always take breaks to check his game. This morning he was cuddling me with one arm and messaging other players with his free hand.

He is quite happy to sit in the lounge with the TV on all day (not necessarily watching it) and play on his mobile. If I want to spend time with him, I get to sit on the couch next to him and watch the same crappy TV, while he...plays on his mobile.

It's down to the last days of my pregnancy, and we've been getting a lot of advice to have lots of sex to induce labour. I mean the whole process is physically awkward for me, but I'd give it a good crack. But after a whole day of being ignored, it gets to the point where I'd rather clean the house than participate in any other activities with him. By the end of the day I just sneak off to bed, because I have nothing left to say to him.

Lets face it, if I'm going to spend the day by myself, he may as well go back to work.

The pram saga continues...

So we had decided on hiring the capsule and the pram. After our last appointment with the OB, hubby decided it may be best if we bring the hire date forward in case the (not so) little one came early. I felt that was a fair call.

Now, besides our initial phone call, I had received no further contact or confirmation from them at all. No letter or email to confirm my booking, just a reassurance that they would contact me a week before my booked date. So I felt it was best to send them an email at this point to start getting everything in writing (that's my admin side of my coming out!)

My email detailed my booking and asked questions like; "Will you install it on the day?" "Do you need extension straps for a station wagon?" "Does it come with rain cover?" etc. etc. I included my contact details so they could call me back and we could have a proper discussion.

I received a reply that simply said, "And again, one which might be better off with a phone call…."

I was stunned to say the least. I spiralled out of control and drowned my sorrows in a packet of M&Ms and Kettle Chips. I had no more energy to invest in this drama. There was no way I was dealing with them anymore if that was the response I was going to get from them. I felt pretty crap...defeated.

After a few days of mulling it over, I told hubby that we wouldn't be hiring anymore. When I explained to him what had happened...well, let's just say that they were lucky they weren't dealing with him. He can be quite intimidating when he has his angry eyes on, but much worse when he opens his mouth.

Hubby and I headed to Baby Bunting a few weeks later, and I showed him the pram I had my eye on. It's a Steelcraft Agile travel system. I was fixated on getting a pram that was lightweight, could fold easily and worked with a capsule. He chose the colour - Forest Green. 

It's at home now, waiting for the new arrival. It folds pretty small and is so light! I'm so happy it's the end of that saga.

32 Weeks - A future rugby player?

My 32 week scan was a little bit of a surprise...

The scan was done in the OB's office, so nothing too fancy. We couldn't really understand at all what we were looking at...everything just looks squashed. But we got the flimsy little print out as the photographic evidence.

But this was the scan where the OB gives you an estimate of the size of the baby. And our little chunky monkey was proudly sitting in the 90th percentile on the boof head scale - which means he's a whopper compared to other babies at 32wks. According to my pregnancy app, baby should have been around 1.8kg. Ours? 2.3kg.

Yep, I was growing a big, boof head, rugby player inside my unsuspecting uterus.

I thought I'd been quite small during my pregnancy, but had obviously hit some growth spurts after I reached 20 wks. I was a little stunned. The OB said we should be prepared for a possible early arrival and that he'll be carefully monitoring the baby's growth once I reach 38 weeks (if nothing has happened before then).

But you know what I thought was really scary? When I told my friend that the little boof head was estimated to be 2.3kg, she told me that was how much her baby weighed when he was born...at 37 wks. That's right. My baby was already the size of a 37 week old baby.

I have since discovered that a few friend's babies have weighed around 2.6 - 2.9kg...how much more is he going to grow?

Get this baby out now!

31 weeks - The showering of gifts!

I drove up to Sydney for my baby shower which my friends had so generously organised for me. It was so well done and I left there feeling so loved and felt that I had the luckiest little baby in the world to have so many people who loved him too. It was such a delight to not have to worry about anything but turning up, and spending the weekend with so many loved ones.

I drove home with a car boot full of gifts and purchases (I did some shopping at IKEA while I was there of course) Poor hubby had to make a few trips to the car and back to bring everything inside.

All the food was made from scratch. Even the bunting and decorations were hand made. You'll see from my pics all the love they all put into it :)

Thank you guys!