Starting IVF

Today was my first appointment with the nurse coordinator at Concept Fertility Centre. I'm starting IVF. It's kind of exciting, but Oh-My-God it's daunting. The whole appointment went for an hour. She talked about cycles, hormones, procedures and drugs...and I got to leave with my "show bag" of drugs and permission forms.

I must have looked a little overwhelmed as all the information just washed straight over the top of my head, because the nurse had a little giggle at my blank cross-eyed stares.

So anyway, she described the procedures and what happens during egg collection and when they replace the egg (transfer it back inside). She explained all the different drugs I have to use: the nasal spray, the pills and the injections. She even had a demo pen that I could practice injecting myself with. And she briefly went through the cost (that sends a little shiver down your spine).

They normally start a cycle on day 21. As I'm already on day 22, I could be starting it today! I'm just waiting on my test result to see if my progesterone levels indicate if I've already ovulated. If I have ovulated, I can start spraying up my nose and get this cycle underway.

The 3 Fs

Family, Friends and Festivities. 

I'd had 2 weeks annual leave booked for months in advance and I was really looking forward to catching up with all my family and friends back home. I was flying home for my brother's wedding, and as it was so close to Christmas I extended my stay. But the 3 Fs proved to be a little bit too much for me this year, and it resulted in me bursting into tears on Christmas Eve, hiding in my room and packing my bags. Some people aren't that shocked when they hear that, as Family Melodramas are the norm in their households...but not mine. This was a very unusual occasion. I guess I was a bit overtired and suffering the Pre-Menstrual Shits. That's also quite unusual for me, as my normal cycle doesn't usually throw me around like that. The thing is, when things like that happen, a little bell goes off in the back of my mind and I think "That's not normal! Could I be pregnant?" But then a bigger bell gongs at the front of my mind and says "Uh, no! Of course you're not! You would KNOW if you were!"

Meh! If I'm not this month, it will happen another month. I'm not even sure if I would know if I was pregnant. I can imagine myself being one of those urban myths, where I eat a bad hot dog and go to the toilet with gastro and come out 5 kgs lighter and a crying baby in my arms....hhmm, if only it was that easy...

Happy New Year!

During my travels home, I visited a friend who foretold my fortunes with runes and a crystal pendant on a chain. This was all completely new to me, but I've always been open to the concept of finding answers from divine force (other than religion).

So, my friend cast her runes and asked if I would fall pregnant in 2012. She picked out 3 runes which explained my past, present and future. My past showed there were too many people offering conflicting advice, which made it hard for me to make clear decisions. I needed to let go of events that were out of my control, but there would be an element of luck involved! There would be an unplanned event and a big change in the future. I can't remember exactly what it said, but it mentioned changes in fertility. Well it was pretty spot on talking about the past, so it was making me quite optimistic.

Then we asked the runes if I would fall pregnant within the next 6 months, and it indicated that big changes were happening (which is true, as we were moving back to the Eastern states). There will be changes in the family with the arrival of a new child. And there would be  new responsibilities for me, with a question of a new career (that got me interested as well, as I've currently been questioning what my next step in career will be) My message for the future was to "Grab the Bull by the Horns!"

Note to self. Keep an eye out for any fortuitous Bull Horns that may come my way.

She also asked her crystal if I would have a baby. The crystal hung from a chain held between her thumb and forefinger of her left hand and it sat in the open palm of her right hand. She asked the question and slowly lifted it out of her palm. It settled itself and became quite still...and then it just started swinging around in circles. If it swings in a certain direction, it meant yes...and it said yes! And yes, we tested it by asking different questions, but it would always say yes to that question. There was no tricking the crystal!

It made me feel quite optimistic for the new year. I'm not sure how it will happen, but I'm confident it will. It was VERY hard for me not to have control over my situation at all, but I think I am learning to let go a little bit.

Here's to a positive new year!

Polite Conversation

So I went out for lunch with the girls on the weekend. B has just recently announced that she is pregnant and T has just had her second baby. B is really excited about it. And as it was the first time we had seen her since she announced it - she obviously had a lot to say. But T happily joined in talking about ultra sounds and the first trimester etc etc...GAH!

I got a small glimpse of the future and wondered how many more lunch date conversations will I be left out of? It's a fairly common topic amongst the women folk, as my husband would say. I guess it will pass as I get older and the women who are having babies will be fewer.

I don't know, it's a difficult thing to avoid when you're surrounded by it.

The Follow Up

Well my appointment with my doctor went as well as can be expected. It was Melbourne Cup Day. I had heels on and a flower in my hair, I was feeling pretty positive.

He sat across from me and studied my file very carefully, flicking questions to me absent-mindedly. He kind of muttered to himself that he had no idea why my cycle behaved like that on Femara. No answers at all. Then he put the folder away and just said, "What are we going to do with you?" That made me laugh. That is indeed the million dollar question.

And then he said,"The only option left is IVF."

And suddenly, there it was. It was kind of a relief in a way. Now I was actually forced to confront it, it didn't seem as intimidating as I had made it out to be. I was actually a little excited at the possibilities.

Time will tell.

Feeling Sorry for Myself

Yesterday I burnt a whole bunch of photos from the past 4 years for a few of my friends. As I was looking over them, I couldn't help but notice how much younger I looked then. My skin was healthier. I was close to 10kg lighter. I had lovely long, shiny hair. And it looked like I smiled a lot.

Ever since I went off the pill, my skin has just been a nightmare. Now I'm battling with eczema AND acne. I also noticed it was harder to keep the weight off - which is exactly opposite to what normally happens! I guess age is partly responsible...and the odd late night dessert run to Woolies.

How depressing to notice the affects of time.

Reality hits you hard, bro!

The other day, I found out a good friend was pregnant. I was stunned! Speechless. I didn't know what to think, but then lurking the back of mind was that massive neon sign that told me I had been unsuccessful for three years now. It was like someone had filled a bucket with cold, hard reality and thrown it right into my face.

In my mind I was happy for her. How couldn't I be? It was something she really wanted and I think she deserves it. But my heart wasn't really in it. I couldn't get over the fact that in the same three years I had been trying to conceive, she had met someone new, moved to Canada to be with him, married him and was now having his baby. A good three years for her, but what a waste of three years for me.

So many questions revolving around why it hasn't happened for me. Haven't I done all the right things? And if not, then what was I doing wrong? Why does it happen so easily for other people? Do I have it in me to keep trying?

My resolve is starting to wear very thin.