No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I may have been teetering on the precipice for a while, but I am happy to report that I am now the mother of a beautiful, healthy baby boy - Jnr C. After what seemed like an agonising last few weeks, Jnr C came into this world via emergency C-Section.
I was expecting a natural labour, so was not prepared for the cesarean at all. Labour started to get more intense 6 or 7 hours after I arrived at the hospital. In fact I was in hospital for a total of 14 hours before Jnr C made his appearance. Once the decision had been made to go into theatre, everything happened really quickly. I was laid on the table after they inserted the spinal block and a curtain was put up above my chest so I couldn't see the doctors rummaging around in the basement. My husband was called in and 10 minutes later the sharp cries of little Jnr C pierced the air.
It was the most surreal moment. All the years of trying. All the months of incubating. All the hours of labour. And it was over in 10 minutes. I had a son. I was a mum.
They held this greyish, wrinkly, wriggly little stranger above my face and I looked into his swollen little eyes. And no, I wasn't overwhelmed with a flood of emotion or instant love. I was stunned. I felt so removed from the whole process. My memory of his birth will always be looking at a kaleidoscope of lights above me and a blue curtain. Even when my husband showed me pictures of the doctor holding Jnr C above my opened "handbag," I still couldn't identify with what I was looking at. I was so detached from that moment, it was like I was looking at the pictures of the birth of someone else's baby. I missed out on seeing him come from my body. At least my husband got to see it, take him over to get weighed AND cut his umbilical cord.
And Jnr C remained a stranger to me for a while afterwards. It was still hard for me to grasp the enormity of finally reaching the goal I had worked towards for so many years. Just like my pregnancy, I kept waiting for someone to rip the rug from right under my feet. I would also look at his little sleeping face and feel immense responsibility for this little man. I was somebody's mother and he needed me. It scared me.
The days passed, my confidence grew. I slowly recovered. My energy slowly returned. Now he looks into my eyes and I realise, I am his mother and he needs me. And with that one look, he makes me melt. I am in love. I want to make everything better for him. I want to make him smile everyday. I never want him to stop looking at me like that. How many times can I kiss that kid? Not enough.
Jnr C will be 10 weeks tomorrow. Those weeks have gone by so fast and I can't wait for the next 10.
